Why Get Married?

Why get married again in middle age? Why not just live together?

A long-time, close friend of mine for over 20 years, asked me this one day after I got married again at my age.

What follows here was my answer.

Normally, we think of getting married as a way to provide a solid base for raising a family. Kids need that steady, stable, long lasting platform to rely upon as they grow up, go through school, make friends, learn about and face the world, and then launch themselves out into it.

But later, after the primary child bearing years are done, when we get to our 40's, 50's and 60's, if there is a divorce or a death of a spouse, we get lonely and inevitably we start to look at new relationships. And when we start to engage in these new relationships we wonder if that same level of formality is really needed anymore. Especially if your kids are mostly, or completely, grown.

After all, at that point, two people can just enjoy each other's company without all the legal and financial entanglements of a formal marriage. It can be a looser, less formal, less binding, relationship. You can focus on the fun side of the romance without having to be a solid family unit for growing a new family. Also, relationships don't always last, there is always a risk of falling apart and that's easier when you are not tied up with legal commitments like marriage.

But here's the thing. It turns out that the strength of a family unit is not just about raising or having a young family. As you move into your 50's you start to realize that you are not going to live forever, there are fewer years ahead than there are years behind you now, and you're not always going to be as healthy as you were when you were younger. Also, your job might not last forever. You might have periods of unemployment, or financial problems, illnesses, both short term and possibly some long term or even permanent illnesses. You ARE going to age. And as you age you become less attractive as a potential mate to the opposite sex.

Life happens to us all. Age creeps up on us slowly. Without realizing it, you start making noises getting out of a chair, you hold your breath to put on your pants or socks. You walk into a room and can't remember why you went there, and you forget things and get sidetracked more easily. Your body ages. Gravity takes over, things get thicker and sag. You begin to look less shiny and new and more old and wise. And you start to accumulate medical conditions. Mild ones at first, then progressively more serious ones later. This comes to all of us. Slowly. Over time. But it is inevitable and ultimately unavoidable. You can fight the effects of aging for a while, but time is relentless and will always win in the end.

And as it does all this, a relationship that is merely temporary and transactional no longer fills the need. You begin to realize that although that kind of relationship, based on just having fun, sex, travel, going out, parties, etc. was all you needed when you were in your 40's, by the time you get to your 50's, you begin to see that isn't going to be enough anymore.

You realize it's time to grow up. You are now facing the next stage in life where two people facing it together are a lot stronger than one facing it alone. When one is sick the other is still healthy and can take care of them. When one is out of work, the other still has a job and can carry the bills. When one is sad and depressed, the other is able to pull them through it. You each take turns supporting and building up the other. Together you are stronger. Together you can survive much better than alone.

So you get married. Not just for the other person's sake, but for your sake too.

Because at this point you start to realize that you don't just want a temporary transactional type of relationship. You want a solid, committed, permanent relationship with someone mature and reliable. Someone loyal you can count on when you need them. You want someone who you know would push your wheelchair if that need ever arose.

And you find that you are willing to do that for them too. Because it is in adversity we find our strength. In your partner's need, you find your own higher value. In the cold, you find warmth together .And you are old enough by now to know that winter is coming. So you learn to make a fire out of love that lasts, and that will keep you both warm.